there’s a certain slant of light
The real reason I flew to California last month is that someone I love very much is quite ill. Emily Dickenson seems to have written the brief on how I feel about it:
There’s a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the heft
Of cathedral tunes.
Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.
The illness is a taunter, winding back its arm with a bit of brick in the hand but stopping just short of bashing at us, because of the light. This light feels too white and too hot — it’s illuminating too much humanity all at once. Anxiety. Tenderness. Anger. Hope. Mourning. Laughter. Courage. Community.
It’s the heft of cathedral tunes, and it makes my heart ache, it’s so beautiful.
Hi Val,
How extraordinary! Thanks. Really brilliant and beautiful, indeed.
Love, Poppi
I know this. You’re not alone.
Ugh, this makes my heart hurt, too. Like that cold, hard, blinding winter sunshine on frozen ground. I was there three and a half years ago with my lovely mother-in-law and ovarian cancer. Lots and lots of love (and soothing candlelight) to you, lady!
Sometimes healing involves a long period of time in a place of great safety. It takes a while for the depth and scope of the safety to emerge; it takes a while for the light to illuminate the contours of the safety and the simplicity of merely trusting. So much effort but in the end: safety and time. The safety needs to be true; the time will find a pace of its own.
someone i love is very sick too. you’re not alone. thanks for sharing.
Are you able to see God in your pain?
He’s the light! (:
I am so glad to hear that He is your light as well. I am hurting with you in the impending loss of your family member. Trust Him completely. In the end, He’s the only hope of healing. Blessings…
When you hurt with loss
In terror’s grip reside
When bitterness has grown
When evil reigns with greed
The messenger of hope
Is ambushed by regret
The souls you cannot lose
Have gone outside your reach
When life seems far too hard
Where is God in your pain?
…
When love replaces loss
And justice conquers fear
When hates have been forgot
When good redeems the dread
When hope is found again
To never have been lost
The human love you mourned
Is loosed to soothing grace
When hardships are endured
There is God in your pain.
Sometimes it can be very hard to sit in painful illumination. I feel for you. Ken
Valerie – this was achingly beautiful. I’ve been in this space and you articulate it well. Thank you.