the blood I lose in translation
My identity lost a lot of blood when I was transplanted to Holland. Three years on, it still looks anemic.
Some days I don’t care that I’m not myself in Dutch yet, and I babble my new language like a precocious 3-year-old. But some days it nips at my ankles like a mean-tempered stray. Then I’m certain that they think I’m stupid, shallow, and stuck-up.
Of course no one would ever tell me that. Instead I get a very different kind of dis which ultimately cuts deeper. “It’s the funniest thing, your Dutch. You’re just like [Argentinian-born] Princess Maxima. So stately,” they sometimes say. Stately? But I’m rowdy! and warm! and funny! and friendly! and dodgy! and —
New languages are especially good at steamrollering over all your rich 3D nuance.
From my two-and-a-half decades of human experience in a variety of cultures, I’ve narrowed it down to this. The most devastating thing in the world is to feel unknown by the people around you.
But I’m making friends. They’re still seedlings, these little baby friendships, and they need propping up and full sunlight and conscientious watering, and my thumb isn’t green because it has an anemic cast to it, remember?
But they’ll grow anyway, and my Dutch will grow anyway. At least from 3-year-old to six. A.A. Milne says so.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
I love this articulate and poignant post. You are a brave and adventurous soul.
Thank you, Mike…I’m doing my very best to keep a stiff upper lip but also to be honest about the process.
I really like this post because it’s a common piece of the experience for many expats around the world. It’s hard to feel lost or misunderstood in a different land but at the same time really exciting to experience life unfolding somewhere unfamiliar!
Oh, I’m used to culture shock – I love it. I’ve lived in enough countries to know that. (:
This time is different, though – everything carries more weight because I’m moving towards Dutch citizenship and also because this is home, now. Are you also planning to stay in the NL?
liar. you aren’t 2 and a half decades old yet! you’re a child compared to 25! =P
Thanks for sharing all my trade secrets, you chook!
My estimation is that your “Dutchness” is well past three, even six. Anemic turns to healthy red, seedlings grow and bloom — enjoy the fruit! Daddy-O
Valerie, this is beautiful and extremely perceptive. You’ve given words to something I often feel but have rarely shared with others.
I don’t share it often enough, either — it’s so tempting to cultivate this image of a flexible, capable, thick-skinned me, isn’t it?
Yet again you express so eloquently a sensation felt -yet not quite articulated- by many. Well done. And best wishes in your journey :)
And in yours, dear one!
You are a deep well, my darling girl. And out of its depths come both whimsy and ponderous observations. But it is the truth, bravely stated, which resonates in hearts, blurring the eye and bending the knee.
Your writing is great! And I hear you on this, completely. My happiest moment was when I had to write a story for my Dutch class and my Dutch teacher told me that it was funny and I had talent. THE FUNNY TRANSLATED! IT TRANSLATED! Now if only it could be so funny coming out of my mouth.
It’s the strangest thing with speaking something other than your native tongue. I’ve noticed that when someone switches from one language to another, there is almost always a shift in idiosynchrasies. Sometimes subtly, occasionally it is almost a different personality entirely.
I wonder: could I ever ‘come into my own’ in English? Be ‘me’, whatever that is? Or are the two different Franks mere different sides of the same coin? Sometimes it feels like getting a holiday away from myself.
There’s some merit in being six all over again :)
And, for the record: anyone who takes the time out of their day to learn our silly, convoluted and ultimately insignificant language deserves nothing but praise. :P
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your blog is so beautiful! and so is this post! i’m trying to learn japanese and i cannot imagine how terrifying it is to be learning a language amongst people who speak it fluently! i’m sure your personal voice will show through soon… and stately is never a bad thing! you can be silly and stately. i think they mean it as a compliment more than anything.
Japanese, wow! I so admire people who learn languages out of volition rather than necessity — language-collecting is a pretty legit hobby! Keep at it.